Look at the following passage:
And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel’s will save it. For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul? For what can a man give in return for his soul?”
This passage is very familiar to me, and I’ve never spent much time reflecting on its truth because I’ve always thought its meaning was obvious. Today, though, I’ve looked at it after my grandmother’s funeral and having spent time with my extended family and there seems to be something fresh that I’ve missed.
Earlier, I’ve tweeted that life is not about balance, but decisions. This is because balance falsely implies that you can have everything in an effortless equilibrium. Balance implies that life can be neatly organized, and that wisdom leads you to a place where there are no costs to your choices, only benefits, assuming you’ve done what’s right.
Unfortunately, balance does not exist in this way. Balance is mediocrity, and a recipe for achieving nothing. Even our own bodies do not exist in a state of “balance.” Philosophers, scientists, physicians, laypeople, and artists have traditionally struggled with the truth that the human body itself is precariously unstable, despite the fearful redundancies we seem to possess, and have seemed to negotiate the compromise concept “homeostasis.”. This implies that despite such apparent instability, the process of physical change is generally regulated in a productive manner.
In this light, the above passage tells us not that we should simply seek not the things of this world, but that we must pay a heavy price for any decision we make. Jesus makes clear that whether your decision is to follow him, or to seek “the whole world” your choice will cost your soul. Its just that paradoxically, following him and losing your soul in that process will cause you to find it again. Why? Because you are purchasing something a soul attuned to the purpose of God. Jesus knows that life in any direction is costly, and he spares no effort to make this very clear to anyone who would listen.
Why am I thinking on this Scripture after my grandmother’s funeral? My grandmother was an icon in her family and her community. I was blessed to see this legacy rehearsed and celebrated this weekend. But for years, I had been quite familiar with the cost that this rootedness in her community exacted on her family, especially mine. My grandmother was loyal to her community, and was the matriarch of her family, but this authority came at a price that I’ll never be able to fully appraise. In this case, it really was true that her returns were proportional to her investment and risk exposure.
As I prepare for my own son to be born and reflect on my relationships with my family I have to admit that the most frustrating thing about life is that for the most important decisions we make, we have no way of reliably appraising the price and cost beforehand. Its ironic that I am an expert in mathematical and qualitative tools used to structure and analyze decisions, but such an amateur at figuring out how to share my life with others.
Life is hard. We all know that maxim. But are we aware that our existence exacts an incalculable cost? What are you spending your soul on? You are consistently paying for your choices with your relationships, your freedom, your energy, and your other resources. Are you expending your soul in something that will regenerate it, or are you spending it for something that will consume it irretrievably?
I agree with your views about balance and the human condition. I also agree that EVERY decision we make and every interaction, every thought impacts us and the world around us. We should not take that lightly. I know the destructive consequences of my own wrong decisions. I know the positive ways God can use me when I yield to Him. I hope at the end of my days…my life will be well spent.
LizE thanks for the comment. I hope God will speak to you through the passage, and that you’ll forget everything that’s just me. Don’t worry about your past decisions: they have been lost in order that your new soul will be found in Christ. Happy Sunday!
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